For such powerful lyrics...
I Grieve
It was only one hour ago
It was all so different then
Theres nothing yet has really sunk in
Looks like it always did
This flesh and bone
Its just the way that you would tied in
Now theres no-one home
I grieve for you
You leave me
so hard to move on
Still loving whats gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on
The news that truly shocks is the empty empty page
While the final rattle rocks its empty empty cage
And I cant handle this
I grieve for you
You leave me
Let it out and move on
Missing whats gone
They say life carries on
They say life carries on and on and on
Life carries on
In the people I meet
In everyone thats out on the street
In all the dogs and cats
In the flies and rats
In the rot and the rust
In the ashes and the dust
Life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Its just the car that we ride in
A home we reside in
The face that we hide in
The way we are tied in
And life carries on and on and on and on
Life carries on and on and on
Did I dream this belief?
Or did I believe this dream?
Now I can find relief
I grieve
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Goodbye...
Almost exactly to the year, I finally feel ok with myself enough to say everything I have wanted to say outloud for the past year. All the things I wish I COULD have said so long ago when I had the chance.
Dear Lisa,
How DARE you. How dare you be so selfish to even consider what you did an option. Did you really not care about the people that you left behind? The people that loved you and would have helped you get through all that you were facing? It wasn't the end of the world, it wasn't irreversible. But you made it the end of the world...the end of your world. You have a father, sisters, nephews, boyfriend, his children, your friends and your friends children. Did we really not matter enough to you? To leave us hugging each other and just asking why? I've personally asked myself "why" almost every day since you ended your life.
We spent almost every day together. You were an Aunt to Taylor, a sister I never had. I confided in you all of my secrets. But you lied to me, you weren't who you claimed to be...for SO many years.
You called me that day and you told me some of the truth. I already knew the truth but I needed to hear it from you. I was being honest with you when I said that I needed time to calm down and to think before I could talk to you more about it. You never gave me that opportunity. Those were my last words to you. An hour later you were dead. I have never asked to read the text message you were sending me at the time, the one you never got to send. I'm not sure if even now I want to know what it said.
I went through so many emotions for so long that I don't even really know how I feel..still. I know that day, I went into shock and I hated you. I hated you more then I ever hated anyone. I hated that you were such a pussy that you took the easy way out, the option so you wouldn't have to deal with the shit you did, or caused. You didn't have to answer any questions or offer any explanations. Were we really not important enough to you for that? Did you think you were saving us from something?
There were so many lies surrounding this whole thing that I couldn't even stomach going to your funeral just to be fed MORE lies. This shit wasn't "accidental" That's a fucking lie. Everyone know, whether they can admit it or not. It was still about images, even in death. The perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend...the one who does everything for everyone else and look where it got her. You never HAD to be perfect. Not to me anyway. I loved you regardless.
I may never forgive you, but I'll never forget you. I will always miss you and I will always think of you. I miss the things we used to do, I miss laughing until I almost pissed myself. I don't miss the bullshit. I wish I knew the real you because today, I don't think I ever really knew. I don't think anyone did, and that's ashame. I've kept this in for the past year when I really wanted to scream and yell and cry and hurt someone, I can't hold it in anymore. It hurts more to stay silent then it does to put it out there. I've cried just as much this week as I did a year ago. I hurt more now then I did then..the shock has worn off. I'm still raw inside. I do hope you are at peace because in those last few hours it seemed that that was all you wanted. I just wish you trusted us to help you instead of making sure you would never be held accountable for your actions.
We are ok, we have helped each other. We've held each other up when needed...but I know I speak for more then myself when I say "we miss you" So rest in peace, my friend, but I have to let go. You'll never be far from my heart.
xoxo
Dear Lisa,
How DARE you. How dare you be so selfish to even consider what you did an option. Did you really not care about the people that you left behind? The people that loved you and would have helped you get through all that you were facing? It wasn't the end of the world, it wasn't irreversible. But you made it the end of the world...the end of your world. You have a father, sisters, nephews, boyfriend, his children, your friends and your friends children. Did we really not matter enough to you? To leave us hugging each other and just asking why? I've personally asked myself "why" almost every day since you ended your life.
We spent almost every day together. You were an Aunt to Taylor, a sister I never had. I confided in you all of my secrets. But you lied to me, you weren't who you claimed to be...for SO many years.
You called me that day and you told me some of the truth. I already knew the truth but I needed to hear it from you. I was being honest with you when I said that I needed time to calm down and to think before I could talk to you more about it. You never gave me that opportunity. Those were my last words to you. An hour later you were dead. I have never asked to read the text message you were sending me at the time, the one you never got to send. I'm not sure if even now I want to know what it said.
I went through so many emotions for so long that I don't even really know how I feel..still. I know that day, I went into shock and I hated you. I hated you more then I ever hated anyone. I hated that you were such a pussy that you took the easy way out, the option so you wouldn't have to deal with the shit you did, or caused. You didn't have to answer any questions or offer any explanations. Were we really not important enough to you for that? Did you think you were saving us from something?
There were so many lies surrounding this whole thing that I couldn't even stomach going to your funeral just to be fed MORE lies. This shit wasn't "accidental" That's a fucking lie. Everyone know, whether they can admit it or not. It was still about images, even in death. The perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend...the one who does everything for everyone else and look where it got her. You never HAD to be perfect. Not to me anyway. I loved you regardless.
I may never forgive you, but I'll never forget you. I will always miss you and I will always think of you. I miss the things we used to do, I miss laughing until I almost pissed myself. I don't miss the bullshit. I wish I knew the real you because today, I don't think I ever really knew. I don't think anyone did, and that's ashame. I've kept this in for the past year when I really wanted to scream and yell and cry and hurt someone, I can't hold it in anymore. It hurts more to stay silent then it does to put it out there. I've cried just as much this week as I did a year ago. I hurt more now then I did then..the shock has worn off. I'm still raw inside. I do hope you are at peace because in those last few hours it seemed that that was all you wanted. I just wish you trusted us to help you instead of making sure you would never be held accountable for your actions.
We are ok, we have helped each other. We've held each other up when needed...but I know I speak for more then myself when I say "we miss you" So rest in peace, my friend, but I have to let go. You'll never be far from my heart.
xoxo
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It is what it is
For those that don't know...one of my best friends committed suicide on this day. I was so angry at her at the time that I never dealt with it directly. I refused to go to the funeral, I never said goodbye. I was just angry. Extremely angry. It's been a year now, and the closer it gets to the 16th the harder it's been for me to think about. Part of me will never forgive her for the pain she caused so many people and for the pain I saw in Taylor's eyes when I had to tell her....but the other part of me misses her terribly.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Ya'll Bettah Recognize!
So last night I was recognized in Drug Court for 7 clean months in the program. 8 more to go! The Judge (who has been lovingly nicknamed, Judge Hug-A-Thug) has some great words to say and was not shy about verbally patting me on the back for staying clean this whole time, even when life was less then fair. He mentioned "hardships" I have been dealing with in my recovery, the things that I used to escape from and how I am going full force into them, with a clear head and no life vest.
He had asked me what I thought of "being clean" after almost a decade of using. I almost cried, but looked him straight in the eye when I said that I was given a second chance at my life, a second chance to be the mother that I robbed Taylor of for so many years and even though things aren't "perfect" and never will be, I'm fulfilled.
It's kind of cool to sit in court and hear my name called almost first. People are called in order of the time they are in the program. From oldest, to newest. So many people who were there WELL before I started, are now set back in time and I've officially moved ahead. I have a hard time patting myself on the back about anything, those who know me KNOW I am not exaggerating. But for this one instance, I can proudly say *PAT PAT PAT*
This shit is a daily struggle, don't get it twisted. 9 months actually clean and sober and I STILL think about drugs before I close my eyes and night, and as soon as I open them in the morning. It's never far from my mind, but the choice is mine to make now. I choose to live the life I have now. Relapse is not an option for me. I'm a stubborn Pollack and for once, that will work for my benefit. :)
xoxo
He had asked me what I thought of "being clean" after almost a decade of using. I almost cried, but looked him straight in the eye when I said that I was given a second chance at my life, a second chance to be the mother that I robbed Taylor of for so many years and even though things aren't "perfect" and never will be, I'm fulfilled.
It's kind of cool to sit in court and hear my name called almost first. People are called in order of the time they are in the program. From oldest, to newest. So many people who were there WELL before I started, are now set back in time and I've officially moved ahead. I have a hard time patting myself on the back about anything, those who know me KNOW I am not exaggerating. But for this one instance, I can proudly say *PAT PAT PAT*
This shit is a daily struggle, don't get it twisted. 9 months actually clean and sober and I STILL think about drugs before I close my eyes and night, and as soon as I open them in the morning. It's never far from my mind, but the choice is mine to make now. I choose to live the life I have now. Relapse is not an option for me. I'm a stubborn Pollack and for once, that will work for my benefit. :)
xoxo
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Helsinki? Yay? Nay?
So here's what I'm thinking. In 8 months, I could potentially graduate from Drug Court. THAT means that I will be free to move about the cabin..well, world. I had something mentioned to me Friday night, and I'll be honest..I'm giving it some SERIOUS thought. I'm trying to calculate how much money I can save in the next 9 months, and if the chances of me graduating on time to make it over, are realistic or not. I'm going to go full steam ahead as though I WILL be done in time. So now, my life as I've known is going to change yet again. I need to be a homebody, not spend money, save everything I possibly can. I have yet ANOTHER great motivator to stay clean because if I piss hot, I'll have my time set back and I'll be in Drug Court even longer.
One expense I can really afford to cut out is smoking. I'm thinking about getting the patch and actually giving it a real go at quitting. Cigarettes are like $5 a pack these day, well more.... I smoke a pack a day so that's $35/week. That's fucking CRAZY!!!! I've got to stop just thinking about it and just do it. Wanting an amazing vacation to celebrate being sober AND being done with Drug Court is a great motivator.
xoxo
One expense I can really afford to cut out is smoking. I'm thinking about getting the patch and actually giving it a real go at quitting. Cigarettes are like $5 a pack these day, well more.... I smoke a pack a day so that's $35/week. That's fucking CRAZY!!!! I've got to stop just thinking about it and just do it. Wanting an amazing vacation to celebrate being sober AND being done with Drug Court is a great motivator.
xoxo
Monday, June 15, 2009
~I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round~
God, where to begin?? Most of you that actually read this already know that I met my muse, my idol, my absolute favorite person on Friday so I'm not boring anyone with THOSE details again. Hmm...things have taken a pleasant change in the form of one VERY tall singer coming to the US this week so now I'm not only seeing Acey Slade on Saturday, but also on Friday. That pretty much rocks, I LOVE his love shows. I've never felt so "sure" in my sobriety as I have these past few days, so that also rocks on a whole other level. My friends have been absolutely amazing, there just aren't words to express what I think of them or how I feel about them.
So let's turn to what's got me thinking. See, I've been to hell and back in my life. I've been molested, hit by a car twice, had my sternum cracked, lip split many times, nose busted, toes busted, head slammed on the ground and knocked out. Been cheated on more times then I care to admit. Been a downright junkie for almost 10 years. I've been told I'm ugly, worthless, fat, useless and stupid so much I believe every single one of those. I've had my self-esteem ripped from me and never got it back. I have had my daughter taken from me, under a lie, and kept from me until I was able to prove that her father had indeed lied to the courts. I tried to escape my pain so much that I would take so many pills, I would puke and then just start all over again until I either passed out at my toilet or went into seizures. So if you have ever wanted to meet someone who honestly thinks they don't deserve much in life, hi...I'm Jen. Nice to meet you. I hide things well with a twisted sense of humor and a fake "fuck'em" attitude. But deep down inside, that's such bullshit. I hurt, just as much now as I did then. I'm more unsure of myself, more self-conscience, more shy.
I started drawing, to escape these exact thoughts so I wouldn't drive myself clinically insane. I never drew before..like REALLY drew. But for whatever reason, I tried and it turned out actually...ok. So I kept at it and at it over the last few months and showed people what I had done and blushed like mad when they gushed over my work. I started to open up about what I had done in my past, why I do what I do now, my REAL thoughts and desires. And then letters started coming my way. Letters that all said one similar thing. How I inspired them to pick up a pencil and either draw again, or just to try something new...but that one word was the same. "Inspired" Really?? Haven't you noticed? I'm nobody, I just a single-mom trying to do the next right thing, and to live "just for today" and to stay clean and sober. I'm nothing special, let alone someone who "inspires" anyone to do ANYTHING. I've had it beaten into my head that I do the exact opposite, actually. So every single letter I receive, I cherish it. Every single one has brought tears to my eyes because in reality...I really really REALLY want to believe those words. They mean the world to me, but something stops me and I can't figure out how to push past that. For every nice thing done for me, said to me, etc...I ask myself "why...why are they doing this? I don't deserve it" Sometimes being in my head takes all the fun out of life.
I have 3 passions in life. My child, music and my artwork. My child, NO one can ever take that away from me. I know I've totally fucked up as a parent in the past but I fucking KNOW I'm an awesome Mother now and I'm trying to make up for all that lost time, while simultaneously trying to heal old wounds brought on by her own father. THAT much I deserve. I deserve to see my daughter smile at me, and to curl up on my lap and lay her head on my shoulder, and to wrap her arms around my neck and hugged me so hard I can't breath. I deserve to see her grinning like a fool, running to the door when she sees me waiting at the door for her after school.
The other stuff? I can't accept. I don't know what's holding me back. My life was never planned out to meet the people that have inspired ME, to be able to actually thank them even if they don't know what I'm thanking them for. I was never supposed to have a talent that gets recognized by people and/or even admired by people. In fact, I don't think I was even supposed to be alive at this point. I know that what the drugs didn't do, my ex certainly wanted to take care of. I have a tattoo across my back that says "Second Chances" It meants something else when I got it, but I think it may have actually been foresight at my very own "second chance" at life. Apparently I've taken it by the horns and fucking ran. Things I NEVER thought could happen to me, are happening. Of course, I don't have some hot dirty rocker dude laying naked in my bed waiting for me to finish typing this up..but hey, times are a'changing :)
So to those people that have mentioned me "inspiring" you....I don't know what to say. I honestly don't know how to react to that. But just know that inside, in my heart, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and humbleness. Someday, maybe I'll be able to be outwardly comfortable with that word. For now, I will continue to work it out for myself and let just a little bit more doubt slip away each day. Maybe one day soon, I WILL see what you see. I hope so anyway.
xoxo
So let's turn to what's got me thinking. See, I've been to hell and back in my life. I've been molested, hit by a car twice, had my sternum cracked, lip split many times, nose busted, toes busted, head slammed on the ground and knocked out. Been cheated on more times then I care to admit. Been a downright junkie for almost 10 years. I've been told I'm ugly, worthless, fat, useless and stupid so much I believe every single one of those. I've had my self-esteem ripped from me and never got it back. I have had my daughter taken from me, under a lie, and kept from me until I was able to prove that her father had indeed lied to the courts. I tried to escape my pain so much that I would take so many pills, I would puke and then just start all over again until I either passed out at my toilet or went into seizures. So if you have ever wanted to meet someone who honestly thinks they don't deserve much in life, hi...I'm Jen. Nice to meet you. I hide things well with a twisted sense of humor and a fake "fuck'em" attitude. But deep down inside, that's such bullshit. I hurt, just as much now as I did then. I'm more unsure of myself, more self-conscience, more shy.
I started drawing, to escape these exact thoughts so I wouldn't drive myself clinically insane. I never drew before..like REALLY drew. But for whatever reason, I tried and it turned out actually...ok. So I kept at it and at it over the last few months and showed people what I had done and blushed like mad when they gushed over my work. I started to open up about what I had done in my past, why I do what I do now, my REAL thoughts and desires. And then letters started coming my way. Letters that all said one similar thing. How I inspired them to pick up a pencil and either draw again, or just to try something new...but that one word was the same. "Inspired" Really?? Haven't you noticed? I'm nobody, I just a single-mom trying to do the next right thing, and to live "just for today" and to stay clean and sober. I'm nothing special, let alone someone who "inspires" anyone to do ANYTHING. I've had it beaten into my head that I do the exact opposite, actually. So every single letter I receive, I cherish it. Every single one has brought tears to my eyes because in reality...I really really REALLY want to believe those words. They mean the world to me, but something stops me and I can't figure out how to push past that. For every nice thing done for me, said to me, etc...I ask myself "why...why are they doing this? I don't deserve it" Sometimes being in my head takes all the fun out of life.
I have 3 passions in life. My child, music and my artwork. My child, NO one can ever take that away from me. I know I've totally fucked up as a parent in the past but I fucking KNOW I'm an awesome Mother now and I'm trying to make up for all that lost time, while simultaneously trying to heal old wounds brought on by her own father. THAT much I deserve. I deserve to see my daughter smile at me, and to curl up on my lap and lay her head on my shoulder, and to wrap her arms around my neck and hugged me so hard I can't breath. I deserve to see her grinning like a fool, running to the door when she sees me waiting at the door for her after school.
The other stuff? I can't accept. I don't know what's holding me back. My life was never planned out to meet the people that have inspired ME, to be able to actually thank them even if they don't know what I'm thanking them for. I was never supposed to have a talent that gets recognized by people and/or even admired by people. In fact, I don't think I was even supposed to be alive at this point. I know that what the drugs didn't do, my ex certainly wanted to take care of. I have a tattoo across my back that says "Second Chances" It meants something else when I got it, but I think it may have actually been foresight at my very own "second chance" at life. Apparently I've taken it by the horns and fucking ran. Things I NEVER thought could happen to me, are happening. Of course, I don't have some hot dirty rocker dude laying naked in my bed waiting for me to finish typing this up..but hey, times are a'changing :)
So to those people that have mentioned me "inspiring" you....I don't know what to say. I honestly don't know how to react to that. But just know that inside, in my heart, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and humbleness. Someday, maybe I'll be able to be outwardly comfortable with that word. For now, I will continue to work it out for myself and let just a little bit more doubt slip away each day. Maybe one day soon, I WILL see what you see. I hope so anyway.
xoxo
Saturday, June 13, 2009
9 months today...
WOW! What a CRAZY 9 months. It seems like just yesterday I was laying in a pool of my own sweat, shaking and running to the bathroom to puke for about 10 days straight. I thought I was dying, and quite honestly by about day 3 I wanted to die. Or use, which would be the same really. But I kept at it and slowly the days got easier, and I felt better and started to get more energy.
Then the really hard stuff hit. The emotional parts. The reasons WHY I started to use in the first place, and now...like I've said before..I had no buffer. I had to deal with life on life's terms and that fucking SUCKED. But my family stood by me and helped me stay strong, my daughter...who is absolutely AMAZING to me, and my number one hero, showed me the reasons why I wanted to live...and live healthy. And never a day went by where she didn't tell me she was proud of me. For her being 9, and to have somewhat of an understanding....blew my mind. I thought I hid my shit so well. I came clean to my friends who I hid my addiction from for so long, and not only did they stand next to me...they held me up. That made each day a little easier. As more time went by, more people entered the picture and my circle of support and inspiration just grew. This is meant to be just a quick appreciation for those that have made this hard journey, just a little easier. Some of these peole may not even know how or WHY they helped me...but I know, and that's good enough for me.
Mom
Dad
Taylor
Nicole
Jake
Mellissa
Rose
Beverly
Stephen J O'Neil (Of COURSE heh)
Gemma
Michele
Brandi
Greg
Acey
Melissa (yup, another)
Mistress Vickie
Sean
Jussi
And then to every person I've done a portrait of, it's kept me going one day at a time and keeps me out of my head...so thank you for being the inspiration behind my pencil and giving me a reason to be proud of myself:
Ville Valo
Jussi69
Jyrki69
DJ Ashba
Jeffree Star
Anzi Destruction (god damn you're hard to draw)
Acey Slade
Andee Hinds
Wednesday 13
Justin
Eric13
Del Cheetah
ALL of the Deathstars
Kat Von D
David Bowie
Jo Sheldon
Nicole Zeibari
Jake Vreeland
Little Zaney!
Taylor
There was a reason behind each and every one of you.
I don't think I would have made it this far without you all.
<3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
