Goodbye...

Almost exactly to the year, I finally feel ok with myself enough to say everything I have wanted to say outloud for the past year. All the things I wish I COULD have said so long ago when I had the chance.

Dear Lisa,
How DARE you. How dare you be so selfish to even consider what you did an option. Did you really not care about the people that you left behind? The people that loved you and would have helped you get through all that you were facing? It wasn't the end of the world, it wasn't irreversible. But you made it the end of the world...the end of your world. You have a father, sisters, nephews, boyfriend, his children, your friends and your friends children. Did we really not matter enough to you? To leave us hugging each other and just asking why? I've personally asked myself "why" almost every day since you ended your life.
We spent almost every day together. You were an Aunt to Taylor, a sister I never had. I confided in you all of my secrets. But you lied to me, you weren't who you claimed to be...for SO many years.
You called me that day and you told me some of the truth. I already knew the truth but I needed to hear it from you. I was being honest with you when I said that I needed time to calm down and to think before I could talk to you more about it. You never gave me that opportunity. Those were my last words to you. An hour later you were dead. I have never asked to read the text message you were sending me at the time, the one you never got to send. I'm not sure if even now I want to know what it said.
I went through so many emotions for so long that I don't even really know how I feel..still. I know that day, I went into shock and I hated you. I hated you more then I ever hated anyone. I hated that you were such a pussy that you took the easy way out, the option so you wouldn't have to deal with the shit you did, or caused. You didn't have to answer any questions or offer any explanations. Were we really not important enough to you for that? Did you think you were saving us from something?
There were so many lies surrounding this whole thing that I couldn't even stomach going to your funeral just to be fed MORE lies. This shit wasn't "accidental" That's a fucking lie. Everyone know, whether they can admit it or not. It was still about images, even in death. The perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend...the one who does everything for everyone else and look where it got her. You never HAD to be perfect. Not to me anyway. I loved you regardless.
I may never forgive you, but I'll never forget you. I will always miss you and I will always think of you. I miss the things we used to do, I miss laughing until I almost pissed myself. I don't miss the bullshit. I wish I knew the real you because today, I don't think I ever really knew. I don't think anyone did, and that's ashame. I've kept this in for the past year when I really wanted to scream and yell and cry and hurt someone, I can't hold it in anymore. It hurts more to stay silent then it does to put it out there. I've cried just as much this week as I did a year ago. I hurt more now then I did then..the shock has worn off. I'm still raw inside. I do hope you are at peace because in those last few hours it seemed that that was all you wanted. I just wish you trusted us to help you instead of making sure you would never be held accountable for your actions.
We are ok, we have helped each other. We've held each other up when needed...but I know I speak for more then myself when I say "we miss you" So rest in peace, my friend, but I have to let go. You'll never be far from my heart.

xoxo