~I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round~

God, where to begin?? Most of you that actually read this already know that I met my muse, my idol, my absolute favorite person on Friday so I'm not boring anyone with THOSE details again. Hmm...things have taken a pleasant change in the form of one VERY tall singer coming to the US this week so now I'm not only seeing Acey Slade on Saturday, but also on Friday. That pretty much rocks, I LOVE his love shows. I've never felt so "sure" in my sobriety as I have these past few days, so that also rocks on a whole other level. My friends have been absolutely amazing, there just aren't words to express what I think of them or how I feel about them.

So let's turn to what's got me thinking. See, I've been to hell and back in my life. I've been molested, hit by a car twice, had my sternum cracked, lip split many times, nose busted, toes busted, head slammed on the ground and knocked out. Been cheated on more times then I care to admit. Been a downright junkie for almost 10 years. I've been told I'm ugly, worthless, fat, useless and stupid so much I believe every single one of those. I've had my self-esteem ripped from me and never got it back. I have had my daughter taken from me, under a lie, and kept from me until I was able to prove that her father had indeed lied to the courts. I tried to escape my pain so much that I would take so many pills, I would puke and then just start all over again until I either passed out at my toilet or went into seizures. So if you have ever wanted to meet someone who honestly thinks they don't deserve much in life, hi...I'm Jen. Nice to meet you. I hide things well with a twisted sense of humor and a fake "fuck'em" attitude. But deep down inside, that's such bullshit. I hurt, just as much now as I did then. I'm more unsure of myself, more self-conscience, more shy.
I started drawing, to escape these exact thoughts so I wouldn't drive myself clinically insane. I never drew before..like REALLY drew. But for whatever reason, I tried and it turned out actually...ok. So I kept at it and at it over the last few months and showed people what I had done and blushed like mad when they gushed over my work. I started to open up about what I had done in my past, why I do what I do now, my REAL thoughts and desires. And then letters started coming my way. Letters that all said one similar thing. How I inspired them to pick up a pencil and either draw again, or just to try something new...but that one word was the same. "Inspired" Really?? Haven't you noticed? I'm nobody, I just a single-mom trying to do the next right thing, and to live "just for today" and to stay clean and sober. I'm nothing special, let alone someone who "inspires" anyone to do ANYTHING. I've had it beaten into my head that I do the exact opposite, actually. So every single letter I receive, I cherish it. Every single one has brought tears to my eyes because in reality...I really really REALLY want to believe those words. They mean the world to me, but something stops me and I can't figure out how to push past that. For every nice thing done for me, said to me, etc...I ask myself "why...why are they doing this? I don't deserve it" Sometimes being in my head takes all the fun out of life.
I have 3 passions in life. My child, music and my artwork. My child, NO one can ever take that away from me. I know I've totally fucked up as a parent in the past but I fucking KNOW I'm an awesome Mother now and I'm trying to make up for all that lost time, while simultaneously trying to heal old wounds brought on by her own father. THAT much I deserve. I deserve to see my daughter smile at me, and to curl up on my lap and lay her head on my shoulder, and to wrap her arms around my neck and hugged me so hard I can't breath. I deserve to see her grinning like a fool, running to the door when she sees me waiting at the door for her after school.
The other stuff? I can't accept. I don't know what's holding me back. My life was never planned out to meet the people that have inspired ME, to be able to actually thank them even if they don't know what I'm thanking them for. I was never supposed to have a talent that gets recognized by people and/or even admired by people. In fact, I don't think I was even supposed to be alive at this point. I know that what the drugs didn't do, my ex certainly wanted to take care of. I have a tattoo across my back that says "Second Chances" It meants something else when I got it, but I think it may have actually been foresight at my very own "second chance" at life. Apparently I've taken it by the horns and fucking ran. Things I NEVER thought could happen to me, are happening. Of course, I don't have some hot dirty rocker dude laying naked in my bed waiting for me to finish typing this up..but hey, times are a'changing :)
So to those people that have mentioned me "inspiring" you....I don't know what to say. I honestly don't know how to react to that. But just know that inside, in my heart, I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and humbleness. Someday, maybe I'll be able to be outwardly comfortable with that word. For now, I will continue to work it out for myself and let just a little bit more doubt slip away each day. Maybe one day soon, I WILL see what you see. I hope so anyway.

xoxo