~be a juke box hero, got stars in his eyes~

Day two of the Bubonicswinehamthraxlabyrinthitisoccus. That's the official diagnosis. Well, maybe that's a TAD exaggerated. I have ear infections in both ears and a headache. It started yesterday with a pretty high fever that came on suddenly and nausea that kicked my ass. Woke up this morning and couldn't really hear and my ears ached like all get out. I haven't had an earache like this since I was probably a kid. Nothing like wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. Instead, I slept. When I woke up I hopped in the shower and was greeted with a gushing nosebleed. I guess it was a good thing I was in the shower, no good clothes, towels, animals or children were harmed in the clean up. HOWEVER, I felt like fucking Carrie. Let me explain something, the sight of blood makes me pass out. So I'm already dizzy from my ears, now all I can see is blood...and lots of it, and I may be old..but not old enough to have those handicap grippy bars in my shower to hold on to. So I sat, until the bleeding stopped. I was finally able to take a proper shower once the bleeding stopped. Drying off I notice I have hives EVERYWHERE. And I mean...everywhere. What the duece??? Whatever, I'm back in bed now..achey, itchy and still dizzy.
I've noticed I do my best thinking while I'm driving and that could have something to do with the amount of red lights I've ran or the amount of times I've had to slam on my breaks to avoid the person that actually STOPPED at said red light in front of me. I'm "supposed" to be writing these 5 affirmations about myself everyday. I was "supposed" to start about 4 months ago. How many have I written yet, you ask? *cough* Here's the thing...I really really don't like myself. I'm being completely honest here. I can pick just about everything about me to shreds quicker then you can say Bubonicswinehamthraxlabyrinthitisoccus. Well, let me correct myself..I DO like my sense of humor. It's random, twisted and morbid enough to entertain me daily. WOOT! Affirmation #1 DONE. If I actually wrote what I see in the mirror, nevermind..I'm not going there. I started writing this with the intentions of putting out there what I really think of myself, for all to see...but I can't. I changed my mind, at least for now. Like I was told yesterday, getting clean was the easy part...it's all the fucking bullshit about yourself that you have to deal with after that, that seems impossible. All the things I didn't have to deal with if I just kept chewing oxycontin. At what point in my life will I be comfortable receiving a compliment from someone without pointing out WHY they are wrong?? I'm supposed (have you noticed the pattern of the "supposed to's" going on here?) JUST say Thank You when receiving a compliment. That's easy. Does it mean I agree with you? Absolutely not. I was half kidding with a friend earlier today when I told him that I was considering hanging out with Jabba the Hut and Rosie O'Donnell because then I might actually look kind of good. He told me to "shut up, you are gorgeous" Ok..here's the thing. WTF WOULD you say, "yeah, you're right...putting you next to Rosie just may make you somewhat adorable" Of COURSE you are going to say something positive. I didn't even pull a thank you from my ass, I just wrote it off as something a friend would say regardless. I absolutely can not stand how insecure I am, how self-conscience I am, how when I look in the mirror I see the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape. At what point in my life will that change? Now I know it's physically impossible that I am as large as that woman, hell....I can still fit my ass in just ONE chair but that doesn't mean that it's not what I see. My weight, this is just one thing on my list...but it's a big one. I am unbearably self-conscience about my weight. I don't want to be in pictures, I hate the summer because I can't cover myself with a hoodie (there I said it)
Ugh...I didn't want to start on this so I'm ending it here. Until next time...
xoxo