~they call me the wild rose~

Hang on..I should have peed before starting this.

OK! So time for a real, new blog. Not an older one that I transferred from somewhere else. I had a drug dream this weekend. It's been ages since the last one and damn, it screwed with my head. It was so vivid that I sat up in bed and ripped off the chip I wear around my neck, tucked under my shirt and placed it on my nightstand because I was disgusted with myself and felt like I didn't deserve to wear it any longer.
I remember, in my dream, that I was still married. I remember having a gushing bloody nose. I could even smell the blood, taste that metallic taste. I had a bottle of Percocet and a bottle of Stoli and with every sip I took of the vodka, I washed down a handful of Percs until both bottles were empty. I can even remember the dried blood all over the bottle from my hands. It was the worst nightmare I've had in ages...but the reality is, it was more of a memory then a dream. A spot on memory from a time I tried to forget. When I woke up and pulled the chain off my neck, I loathed myself for a brief minute. I looked at my hands and noticed that there was no wedding band on my finger, and I looked around my room and realized I wasn't where I thought I was. I took a few deep breaths and calmed down, realizing that I didn't completely fuck up, that I was still ok and safe and that I still deserved to wear that chip. I can't even put into words how RELIEVED I was to know that the whole thing was just a dream.
They say that addicts have drug dreams for a long time, and I've had my share...but this was by far the most disturbing, most vivid, most upsetting, most realistic one I've EVER had. I tucked my chip back under my shirt after pacing around my room for a while, and changed my frame of mind from self-hatred to being proud. It's SO easy to slip back into that self-hatred that I find myself fighting in my mind to remember to congratulate myself for things I have accomplished. Things I never thought were possible.
So, three days after that dream, I'm back in a good place. I had a hard time sleeping the last couple nights because I think I was afraid that if I fell asleep, I would go right back into that nightmare again...but it didn't happen. I actually slept like the dead. So now..moving up and on. *Raises coffee cup* Here's too drugless dreams, kinky sex and loud music!
xoxo