You Keep What You Have By Giving It Away (3/30/09)

Its amazing to me how one person can make such a huge impact on your life, and I catch myself wondering if they ever really know. I received probably THE greatest gift I could ever imagine in my recovery from THE most unexpected "giver" How do you ever thank someone for giving you something so extremely sentimental that it changed your entire outlook on your recovery. He'll never know just HOW much this means to me or how much it opened my eyes to what I really wanted to do. I have kept a "reserve" stashed away for the past 6 months, not to use necissarily, but to have on hand so that I knew it was there...like a sick security blanket. Something that would suffocate me, yet I couldn't part with. Even knowing that I had something in my room that would surely kill me, didn't matter. In my sick mind, it made me feel better to know it was there. I have struggled day in and day out, for the last 6 months to have the courage to finally flush the drugs and have never been able to do it. Oh, I've come close. I've stood over the toilet, hands shaking and sweat beading on my upper lip...and I always did the same thing.....tucked it away in it's nice little hiding place that only I knew about. Today, March 30, 2009 I finally took the leap that I have made myself sick over. I flushed EVERYTHING. I watched, while my stomach turned, as it swirled around and was gone. The last part of my addiction that had it's claws in my throat....was finally gone. I was free.