~I'll never look into your blue eyes...~ (4/10/09)

I think I blog because I'm too lazy to write. In fact, I do most things the way I do these days so I don't have to communicate in ANY way except with my fingers. Face to face conversation makes me uncomfortable, so I opt for texting, emailing, IM'ing...Facebook wars. Anything that I can do that doesn't involve me sitting in front of you, speaking. And by you...I mean ALL of you. If I could get my rehab counselor to let me text my "check in's" I'd be in heaven. I notice that the more I move ahead in recovery, the more steps I take backwards in other parts of my life. I've always been shy, shy to a fault actually and drugs let my guard down and helped me lose my inhibitions. Now that THAT buffer is gone, I notice my shyness being a problem. I can feel my face burn when you ask me how I'm doing. I fuck around with my fingers when you ask me what my interests are. And forget it if you ask me what I think of myself....have you seen the LL Cool J commercial yet for Old Spice Swagger?? Yeah, well I feel like the nerdy LL when the beautiful girl says hi to him. Run away screaming like a girl. I'm a legend in my mind, quite the narcissist...but outwardly I'm pretty unsure of myself and very self-conscious. WOW....Not to change the subject, but Enuff Z'Nuff just popped up on my iPod and I can never really take myself serious when I hear Fly High Michelle. Glam rock is totally where it's at, by the way. Ok, back to my favorite subject...me. See? Narcisstic. If I really had an ego, I'd be dangerous. I was thinking about this the other day....I'm single now. I want to fix me before I involve other people, and I honestly don't think early recovery is the time for relationships. If I could gaurantee that one night stands really DIDNT have strings attached to them, I MIGHT think differently on that one...but since everything has some kind of emotional attachment to it, I'm perfectly discontent to be alone and buy batteries in bulk. AMEN FOR COSTCO. Back to what I was thinking...when the time comes to get back out there in the "dating" world, I'm gonna be fucked. I can't remember the last time I dated anyone, sober. I think about what it's like to feel REAL feelings and that shit worries me so much, I think maybe I won't be ready for a relationship for another 5 years or so. Hmm...Enuff Z'Nuff to Bobby Darin. It's good to see my iPod is just as random as me :) I have forced myself out of my comfort zones on several things in the past few months, and they have always ended postively. But it doesn't seem to register in my head for the next time. I remember the first time I let anyone see my sketches and how bad my palms were sweating. They had nothing but good things to say to me, yet I picked everything apart. I never believe ANYONE that compliments me. I may say thank you, and blush MADLY..but in my head I've already ripped what you've said to shreds so bad that there isn't an ounce of me that believes you. That's probably what has always held me back from really pursuing the things I'm honestly passionate about. The fear of failure, the lack of confidence. I've decided that I have about 11 more months of being stuck here, so that's the perfect time to straighten myself out because when I'm free of the DC chains, the world better look out. World domination is totally out of my comfort zone, but completely obtainable, right? Ok maybe that's shooting a bit out of my league. Let's just go with, I'm going to follow my dreams....even if I have to kick my own ass to do it. P.S. In picking my "currently listening" I learned that there was even a Greatest Hits album...WHO KNEW??